The dot at the end of the sentence

You know where this is going. For most of us it is every month, for so many years. For me it is that way now... but it was not always like that.

Allow me to digress. When I was a teenager, I never had a regular cycle. It did not seem to be a problem. I always felt I was thyroid imbalanced, but it was always borderline - and not a concern. Fast forward to trying to make a baby. Suddenly a large problem was the fact that I did not have a regular cycle and probably did not ovulate, and oh yes, you can't expect to get pregnant and carry a pregnancy if your thyroid is not in balance. Many, many years later and a lot of commitment, of time, money and to my marriage and family, I am lucky enough to have the millionaire's family: my girl and boy.

Back to the present. I get regular periods. I ovulate. I PMS when I ovulate until I get my period. This started just before I got pregnant the first time. I changed my diet and cut out the starchy carbs and the sugar. I have always wanted to write about my experience because it was life changing. We decided to follow the Suzanne Somers' Somersizing regime. It was on a whim. My father-in-law was doing it and I thought we had nothing to lose. It was the year 2000. It was about the time that unexplained infertility was correlated to PCOs and insulin resistance. I has read that several drugs were countering the insulin issue. I wanted to bring that to my doctor and see what he had to say. In the meantime, we ate how much we wanted, whenever we wanted with Somersizing. Within the first month of following the concept of separating your carbs from your fats and proteins - and eliminate the simple carbs - like potatoes, white bread and such, I had regular cycles for the first time ever!

It took a few months to drop the weight and fat that I never could. Finally, we went to the doctor. He said my diet had done everything that the meds could do. He gave us one last chance. We were all amazed at the results. The eggs were great. That was always the problem. The eggs were not so great. This is where I wonder how much of this science the doctors can predict. If my eggs were so bad, and women's eggs age and get worse as you age - how did I have these great eggs? In any case, I was pregnant! The second pregnancy happened so quick and easily. I barely had time to breathe between them.

So babies done. Here I am with the regular cycles that evaded me when I needed them. What do they do for me now? They tell me a lot. They tell me that for all of those years when I had a sciatica attack - it was because I ovulate. They tell me every time my moods go off the wall - it is the time from ovulation to my period. That knowledge would have helped me a long time ago. Does it help me control anything now? Not yet, but at least I know why, and I try to move past it.

Today is tough. I got my period and although it is a sense of relief because I know I am on the upswing, it is still rough. I hope tomorrow is a better day. Yes, I have my family - and this is all worth it.

Sick days

Yesterday both of my kids were home sick with different illnesses. As the day went on, I realized I was in the same boat. I try to make sick days 'not fun'. Is that mean? We girls caught up on American Idol and Olympic skating pairs. The boy in the house had enough. We paused the 'skating on demand' (how cool is Olympics on demand?) and ventured on to something for him. For the life of me, I cannot remember what we did then.

Food was not high on the agenda, she had a stomach thing and he was not quite sure what was wrong - but was not looking to each much. Dinner was pancakes. While he took a nap, she read a book. Is it okay that I let her think it was only 40 minutes - when she read for a good hour? They report their reading in logs that go to school each week. I did not want her to think that she read too much. I need her to read more often.

At least they were content to go to sleep fairly early. Although the nap took its toll on him. They were both giddy on all of the Gatorade I gave them (not really that much) during the day. Finally asleep.

This morning it seemed neither would make it to school. He was in bed with me and she was still sleeping. Out of nowhere, she sprang up and announced she was going to school. We got it all happening and got dressed, ate and took her to school. Only 10 minutes late. Not bad.

So it was boy and mom today. He is so cuddly, especially when he is sick. We watched a couple of movies (okay, I slept through a lot of that) and he was hungry all day long. Finding snacks for a boy whose tummy is hurting is difficult.

I was feeling so ill too. My head was pounding. There were times that I could not move. We got drugs.

And then there was Lego. Making Star Wars vehicles on the family room floor is right up there on the list of best things to do. I have always loved Lego. I still have the miniscule amount of Lego I owned when I was a child. It is cool to know my kids play with it now. That Lego reminds me of the many Saturday nights I spent playing with Lego when I was a kid. Those were the days when we stayed home and played with a neighbour (we were pretty young). You cannot do that today.

I slept for a while this afternoon when their dad was home.

Having my kids home with me on sick days gives me the chance to reflect on my role as a mother. My kids look to me to be their nurse, friend, and confidant and to keep them loved through it all. It is pretty wonderful.

Understanding

What is reasonable to understand? Can you tell your children that their schoolmates are not really mean, they are lacking the tack required to spare your feelings. Can they understand that their own experiences influence their actions? Is it okay to explain away bad behaviour.

I try to be optimistic about people. This is a daunting task for a person who is ultimately more likely to pick apart, not praise people's behaviour. I work hard at it. I get hurt. Often, I wonder why I try to keep a positive outlook.

It always comes back to this...

Many years ago, I worked with a girl, a woman, who was the most optimistic person I have ever known. Her story would be considered sad to anyone who heard it. She had moved to the city. Sometime before or after that, she was in a car accident and suffered some brain damage.

She was working with me. I was 25, and seriously involved with my future husband. Everything looked up for me. Within a few months, I was engaged. For her it was different. She was in her mid thirties, single and with few prospects for her future. We had the same job, but she was not capable of working to capacity and earned less money than I did. She struggled to complete her tasks. It was painful to watch her or even listen. She was naive, she was simple, and in my view, the s word my kids still think is a bad word (not the sh word).

Now that sounds more like me. Not very understanding and quick to judge. But here's the thing you never expect: she taught me the biggest life lesson. She told a story that I have repeated many times over the years. As I get older I am sure I forget the details, but the message never falters.

Here's the true story. She went to New York. While walking down a busy street... no - you see I forget now... I am sure she was in a taxi. In any case she said something annoying or ignorant (in a very innocent manner, I am sure) and the cab driver snapped at her. She was surprised - as was her travelling companion, who was her (and my) boss. But then, and as she told the story, she had compassion for the cabbie. She turned to her companion and announced that she felt sorry for him and that he must really be having such a bad day that he needed to take it out on someone else.

I told you, it may seem to get jumbled as I retell it, but the details are not as important as the message. I do feel that you never know what a person is going through and how it effects their actions. I try to think that way, and I am trying to pass that on to my family.

I have met so many people with serious issues in their life. There are divorces, deaf children, neurological disorders, autism, behavourial issues and more. Most of these women walk around with a smile on their face ALL of the time. One girl recently admitted to me that a few years ago whe was not coping so well. She was on anti-depressants for a year, and keeps herself so busy. She admits that if she stops, she knows she will be in trouble. She is always smiling. Then there is the one who won't accept that her child has a problem. She bitches about everything. Her personality is such that she is eager to take advantage of everyone she meets/knows. She vies for attention. She is so unhappy, she finds faults with all of her friends. She cannot even identify a helping hand - she bites it.

I know who is better off here. And I try to steer myself in that direction.

So my daughter comes home with tales of inexcusable behaviour by some classmates. Why do they act this way? Well, there I am excusing away their actions. This one's parents are going through a divorce, that one's has older siblings who mistreat her - so she has to pass it on somewhere, and those kids are in therapy.

Do people's problems excuse their behaviour? Absolutely not! But when we know of their problems, we can understand their behaviour.

At the end of the day, understanding is fine, but their behaviour does not change. I can explain to my daughter why her classmate is constantly talking about her parent's upcoming divorce and how she is going to move away from our area soon. But at the end of that day, an eight year old only gets so much.

I will still pass on the message.

Blown over

The big storm has past in my home. Things are back to normal. Whatever that is. It is Friday. Off we go to my inlaws for dinner - and the weekend begins! My kids will come off the bus today in great moods and my husband just walked in the door. Happy Weekend!

Why you can't quit

Just when you think you have had enough, you magically find the strength to continue. I don't know why you reach your limit. What does a husband or child say that triggers your inner dipstick and posesses you to become the demonic represention of the mother devil. You suddenly do not tolerate even the smallest whine or simplest request. You certainly have zero tolerance for the irrational rants from your perfect little angels - even the tall male one. Especially the tall male one.

But here I am watching my little girl, who turns nine this spring, in her dance class. I don't have to wonder what goes on in her head. She is just like me. I was just like she is, when I was her age. She needs everything and everyone to follow the direct lines of right and wrong. I am with her on this... It makes things work so well.

One day it clicks and you get it. This is not a very realistic approach and life does not work that way. But still, you try every way to retain your little girl's innocence and keep her protective bubble from bursting. I cannot always be the one who tells her how things really work. The more I do that the more I look like the enemy. I can't be the enemy. So sometimes I lose it.

When my children no longer respond to rationality and even toned explanations, I lose the ability to continue. Sometimes I declare - I quit.

I QUIT!

It is usually only a conversation with my husband... but I think that maybe my little boy heard me last night. Yikes. Can I fix that? Well, he did not bring it up at all this morning, so there is hope.

Back to my girl. She did good. She tried to stay in her dance class and she managed just fine. She wants the world to be honest. Her world at least. She should get what she wants, everyone should. It just doesn't always work that way.

You can't quit. Everyone depends on you. That's the way it works. I know. I will not quit. I will continue. I will help her to find the way to resolve her quams and see how things work. It won't be a question of right or wrong. It will be a time to understand.

2010 Olympics

Saturday night we spent the evening with our friends. It was a fun time with good friends, good food and lots of laughter. We watched the Olympics. We cheered on the speed skaters, the ladies hockey team, the ladies moguls and we had a blast. Perhaps a few times we were less than sportsman-like as we cheered our Canadians for the win, which meant we hoped the others failed. We got the silver in the ladies moguls and it was exciting!

It was the first time that my kids watched this kind of sports event. Sure there has been the hockey games and some figure skating, but the Olympics are much more than that. It's our chance to be proud of our country's athletes and remind ourselves that anything is possible. It brings friends and families together and like the holiday season, puts everyone in a good mood.

Breakthroughs

When you see the light switch on with your children, you know it will all be okay. Tonight I watched my creative, clever son, see homework in a whole new light when he chose to do his presentation with PowerPoint. He is only seven. He is a boy. He is keenly aware that he has to do things three different ways in math - when he knows the answer, and does not get why. He is right, but he still has to do the three ways.

So tonight, he prepared a PowerPoint presentation without any help other than to show him how to use the program. He searched out images, pasted them in the file and resized them with presicion. He took a break for dinner and was so eager to return to finish.

We explained how to present and he wowed us! He told us that this was the best homework ever. He will shine tomorrow.

Making up for lost time

I just called someone I have wanted to call for about 17 years. How can I explain this. She used to date my sister's brother in law. We found out she was my step 2nd cousin once removed. That sounds pretty far off but basically it means that she is the step grandaughter of my father's cousin. My father and this cousin remained close, but I only met her when these two started dating. Unfortunately it did not work out between them and they each moved on to marry other people. Our other connection, we share the same anniversary dates - just different years. She is a great fun loving person and although we said we would keep in touch, it did not happen.

Fast forward about 17 years to this past fall. Her father died. I did not know him well. When I read the death notice I almost fell off the chair. It listed all of the family members including her and her husband. Here is the complicated part...

I have been researching our family histories. It is my primary hobby and for almost anything you can say to me I can have a resonse that relates to genealogy. Back to the obituary... my step cousin's last name matched one I had only recently found for my husband's family. I did some quick searching and found that her husband's great grandmother was a sister to my husband's grandmother. Again, it may sound distant - but it the same relation that she and I have and it was an amazing find. You see, my husband did not know his family history at all.

We went to visit the family. We shared our discovery and met some of our new-found relatives. They were astonished too. They did not know about our line of the family. Now my step cousin is our cousin by marriage too!

Again, we vowed to get together. Today I made the phone call and we will meet tomorrow. When we spoke it was like time had no effect. We laughed and it was so easy. That's family.

Any followers yet?

My husband jokingly asks me if I have any followers yet. I smile. I would be pleased to know that someone wants to follow what I am writing, but I am not writing for anyone but myself. There's something mysterious about writing a blog and not letting anyone in on it. It's like a secret identity. I like that... mild mannered mom by day and mad blogger by night!

Super Nanny

I let my kids watch Supernanny with me last night. I thought that maybe if they saw how an out of control household can rehabilitate (in only a week), they might look at things differently at home. Don't get me wrong. Our home life is nothing like what we saw on the show. We have thus usual problem of not listening, not doing what you are supposed to be doing, a little disrespecting and a whole lot of not appreciating what you have.

Here's the synopsis of the show from Season 3 Episode 5:

Donna is a single mom who's been through multiple ordeals over the last four years. Her son, Cole (8), survived a two-year, all-consuming battle with leukemia. But soon afterwards, two years ago, Donna's husband Steve suddenly died.

Left alone to bring up their four children -- Blake (11), Cole, Aiden (3) and Stephanie (1 1/2) -- Donna was so depleted, she lost control of the kids. She found it easier to give in than to discipline. Now the older boys swear and curse at their mom, fight constantly, and have no respect for her or each other. The oldest, Blake, often runs off to hang out with older kids in the neighborhood, and Donna has no say over when he'll come home. She fears that the youngest two are starting to follow their big brothers' example.

But when Jo Frost tries to show Mom how to implement rules that stick, there's a near-mutiny by the boys.

OMG. This was a little heavy. My husband looked at me as though I had lost all sense. He questioned what I was thinking. He was right, but I really thought if they saw how this worked out, they would realize what parts of their behaviour was not acceptable.

The kids were transfixed. Although they have seen some of this behaviour in their friends and their friends’ siblings, it blew them away. They could not understand why any kid would be so disrespectful, even swear at, and hit their mother. Both of my kids have lashed out in fits a few times... I don't think that they see the two being the same. They watched these kids do things they never dreamed of doing. Jaws were dropped. Along the way, I made sure that they knew this was never going to happen here. They knew.

The amazing thing - and it happens every week on this show - is that less than a week later, the family was transformed. After watching the show, the kids asked if Supernanny could come to our house. I asked if we needed her. My son said yes, and explained it was because he and his sister did not treat each other well. Then my daughter realized that the show is taped and everyone would see us on TV - bad behaviour and all! They changed their mind quickly. Then they asked for a rewards chart. They thought they could earn computer and Wii time with good behaviour and chores done. I laughed. My kids get plenty of time to do these things. It's the other things they don't do enough. Yes. I get it; they do the other things to get the computer time. But I thought about it and I don't want them to equate vacuuming the house or doing homework to earning game time. I don't think they have anything to do with each other. I believe that a 7 and 8 year old can understand that there are things they are responsible to do. The kids were good with that.

What I would like them to understand is that we have house rules. They know it, but easily get distracted - let’s say. So I can see it being helpful to have them printed up to remind everyone. I also think a checklist is a good idea. I would like us all to make a list - together - of our realistic expectations for each other. Each day we would check off/cross of each one we managed/missed. Like a photograph, when you see it in print, you know it’s real.

Nostalgia

Tonight at our family dinner my daughter was sensing a stomach flu recurrence and had a Popsicle. Not just any Popsicle, but a Rocket. I am thinking that may not be the official name. Hold on. Okay, I just searched it out at popsicle.com and low and behold they are Firecrackers. These are my favourite Popsicles. I never can commit to which flavour I like best - not the red, but white or blue. Red, white and blue are not flavours, but I cannot decipher them. The website tells me that the flavours are cherry, white lemon and blue raspberry. Go figure.

On my visit to the Popsicle site I also discovered that my beloved Firecrackers actually contain fruit juice. Pear, lemon, cherry and raspberry juices. Wow! They match the flavours with real juice. Where exactly does the pear juice fit in? All that juice, the sugar and colouring add up to a mere 35 calories per serving - and only 6 grams of sugar in Canada - check out popsicle.ca - while it's 7 in the U.S. (do I put another period here?). Oh it is so good. I am having one right now.

My husband recounts how he used to go to the convenience store and practically dive head first into the freezer to search out the banana and chocolate Popsicles that were so hard to find. Oh yes. I loved those too, they were so good. They were hard to find, that must be why I almost forgot about them. Now they are Torpedo Pops. Gone are the double-sticked treasures of my youth.

The kids were killing themselves with laughter. I confessed that although not technically a Popsicle, I loved Creamsicles next best - original orange, thank you very much.

It's nice to see that although somethings change or improve, the original is still there and nothing compares.

When I am alone

What do I do when I am alone?

There is work, which is sporadic - but should be more consistent. For that I write. Before I can write, I research. My last project which is just winding down was an incredible learning experience. I was involved from the start. I designed the course and was part of the client discovery sessions. I scripted, had a photo shoot, and chose all of the elements that made up the course. I proofed it once created and now I await to see the final product. Very thrilling, and way more work than I will get paid for.

I really should take care of the business accounting more frequently. Going through receipts and doing a year's worth of balancing the books should not be done in the few weeks before your taxes are due. I always say I won't let it happen again this year. We'll see.

I volunteer. I should be in my daughter's class every week, but that has weened and I don't go at all right now. That should change. Without that, I am still in school for trips, activities (yes, yesterday I was a scientist) and parent council.

I research my family history. For the last few years I have been intrigued with our families. Amazingly we have found family on all sides going back 5 generations. My husband's father has a complicated family history which left him - understandably - with no interest in his biological family other than his siblings. We knew nothing. It's crazy. I have found hundreds of relations and we are not done. We found out that people we have known over the past 20 years - I mean more than a few, are second cousins. It is amazing to find out about where you come from. It is awesome to find new relations. It is really special to find live ones who care.

Lastly, there is kickboxing; a weekly refuge for me. I am not really alone - I have a partner for this and it is a group class. Despite this, the sixty minutes kicking, punching and stretching beyond what I thought I was capable of, reminds me that I am capable of so much more than I let myself believe. As I write this - it comes to me. I can do whatever I want to do. It may sound cliched - but I really believe that if you find what you love to do - you will be successful at it. I'll get there.

Crazy days gone?

We made it to school. I am a physical scientist. I now can tell you a lot about simple machines that I did not know before. Did you know that an object that is a level can also be a wedge? There are complex machines that are made up of more than one simple machines. Lastly, if you are not sure what that simple machine is, say lever and you have a 90 percent chance of being right. I hope my son learned as much as I did... or maybe he should have known this by now. Too bad these kids didn't have this event before the test.

By 12:20 we were done. A neighbour who was volunteering agreed to a nice lunch after our efforts. We met at a local sushi restaurant that is a fave for our family. Nothing fancy - rather plain, but the best sushi. We talked through lunch and drank gallons of tea. It was a nice time. We dished on our respective neighbour epics and both felt better. You see we both wondered what we could possibly have done to bring this upon ourselves. We came to the conclusion that we were not alone. There are many neighbours everywhere who are not talking to each other. Sadly, we agreed that it was probably best to just be friendly with your neighbours. Funny, this was our first lunch together after living about 10 houses apart for the last 11 years.

I got home just before the kids were do from school. Got the bread machine started just in time. The kids quickly made plans to go play at friends. My mother calls. My brother and father are okay. I will call her back. I dutifully dropped the kids off and pick up some groceries for dinner. Back to pick up one kid - and home to make dinner. This happens often. You would think you get used to the concept.

I called my mother and my brother and today is a lot calmer than yesterday. There is no congenitive hart failure happening to my father today. Just croan's. If you can say that. And my brother's condition will hopefully get betterwith a pill change. Whatever better can be for him. Another crisis stalled for now.

A small roast is supposed to cook for about 20 minutes per pound according to the Angus roast label. It was not true today. We finally ate at 745. That's not so bad, but we sat down to eat almost an hour earlier. At least we did not have guests tonight. It is the start of the weekend. Everyone is winding down with their Friday night shows, and I start to relax. Gotta love weekends.

Crazy days are here

Phew! The last 24 hours or so have been nuts. Let's start with last night. First there was the consoling of a daughter who was puking her guts up - and the clean up that followed. Then dealing with my father not wanting to go to - or even call - a doctor as his condition does not improve. As if that was not enough - my brother was in the hospital emergency room.

Fast forward to this morning. My mother announces that my father will not call a doctor. He proclaims he knows what is wrong with him and he has congenital heart failure. I wonder if I have missed something - because this is news to me. Apparently this is new to him too. He has researched this on the Internet and has all of the symptoms. So, he thinks, he just needs to reduce the swelling and he will be fine. It does not sound so simple. He has been through the swelling before - and it was a long journey back to health. It is hard to see your parents make choices that they would never let you make. My father just gets angry when any of us try to tell him what to do. I stop - because I cannot take it. My siblings are better at it. Still, I don't think it's getting him anywhere.

It was going to be a lazy day. Getting my son of to school seemed breezy until he had the unbridled necessity to repack his backpack, which caused him to miss the bus. Explain to me how I was going to get my daughter and I dressed and get him to school. Luckily, my neighbour was driving his daughter to school - and did not mind another passenger. So he got to school late. So there was no booster seat in the car. Oh well. I got to fall back to sleep for a couple of hours.

About 11am, we went downstairs. My daughter planted herself in front of the TV and it never went off until close to dinner time. Not that she was eating much. Dry toast, Popsicles, water and Gatorade during the day. How about the rest of the chicken soup, melba toast and raspberry jam and a little Gatorade for dinner. Yum. My husband got leftover sushi when he came home.

So I discovered I had work to do. Not just the rest of the laundry from last night, because the duvet would not dry so fast in our dryer. No. I had work work. So I got on that and realized I was not working with the current test file. Yay! Here we start again. Done at 5. It was a really great feeling to know my part is done. I wrote this course from design to script and brought it to reality. It was an awesome journey and I can't wait for it to go live.

My son's planned play date had to be cancelled. How could I bring his friend back to the house - let alone get my daughter out to the car? So he went next door, and happily played and ate dinner there - which was a good thing. I don't think Melba toast was on his planned menu. Guess what? Pancakes did not fill him up either. So when he came home at 7:15 - he was hungry and wolfed down some leftover chicken wings.

Did I hear bed time? Finally the little ones go to bed. It takes my daughter a few tries to realize that she really has to do this. If all goes well in the morning, we are all off to school. It is a big day. I am set to volunteer for my son's Scientists in School day and my daughter is auditioning for a part in a production of The Wizard of Oz. What are the odds of that happening? I am not sure we will make it.

Good news! My brother is home from the hospital. Apparently Rome was not built in a day and they can't solve his blood pressure issues that fast either. I am glad he is home and I got to talk to him.

Never did made it to kickboxing tonight; I knew there was no chance of that early on in the day. I never got out of pyjamas.

I am inspired

Along the way I have discovered inspiration often comes where you least expect it.

I heard a great line in the movie Love Happens, something to do with the fact that you can't move forward if you are always looking in the rearview mirror. Cliche yes, but I like it. I'm going to try to head that advise. I have seen a few too many movies lately with such inspiring fodder. Go figure - Motherhood, Julie and Julia and Love Happens. I watched, I cried, I got psyched. The fact is we make our own destiny, and hopefully with some support along the way, we can keep on track.

Last night I made my chicken soup (will have it for our Wednesday rush rush dinner) and cooked an awesome meal of chile garlic drumsticks and beef and broccoli - served with steamed rice. Yum. It feels great to get a meal like that on the table for my family. Then it was off to parent council at my kids school. I sometimes wonder why I can't just sit back at keep my mouth shut, but I don't get it. How can there be so much hoopla and politics about getting good things done for your kids. I came home exhausted. It was nice to get support, but it would be nicer if it was at the meeting - not just privately after the meeting.

Where to start

Right now I have a half hour before my kids get of the bus from school. The laundry is folded and on everyone's beds - ready to be put away. I am waiting for an email to tell me to start the round 2 edit of an online interactive course I wrote. Soon, I will start up a chicken soup and the rest of dinner. Wow, I sound busy!