I try to be optimistic about people. This is a daunting task for a person who is ultimately more likely to pick apart, not praise people's behaviour. I work hard at it. I get hurt. Often, I wonder why I try to keep a positive outlook.
It always comes back to this...
Many years ago, I worked with a girl, a woman, who was the most optimistic person I have ever known. Her story would be considered sad to anyone who heard it. She had moved to the city. Sometime before or after that, she was in a car accident and suffered some brain damage.
She was working with me. I was 25, and seriously involved with my future husband. Everything looked up for me. Within a few months, I was engaged. For her it was different. She was in her mid thirties, single and with few prospects for her future. We had the same job, but she was not capable of working to capacity and earned less money than I did. She struggled to complete her tasks. It was painful to watch her or even listen. She was naive, she was simple, and in my view, the s word my kids still think is a bad word (not the sh word).
Now that sounds more like me. Not very understanding and quick to judge. But here's the thing you never expect: she taught me the biggest life lesson. She told a story that I have repeated many times over the years. As I get older I am sure I forget the details, but the message never falters.
Here's the true story. She went to New York. While walking down a busy street... no - you see I forget now... I am sure she was in a taxi. In any case she said something annoying or ignorant (in a very innocent manner, I am sure) and the cab driver snapped at her. She was surprised - as was her travelling companion, who was her (and my) boss. But then, and as she told the story, she had compassion for the cabbie. She turned to her companion and announced that she felt sorry for him and that he must really be having such a bad day that he needed to take it out on someone else.
I told you, it may seem to get jumbled as I retell it, but the details are not as important as the message. I do feel that you never know what a person is going through and how it effects their actions. I try to think that way, and I am trying to pass that on to my family.
I have met so many people with serious issues in their life. There are divorces, deaf children, neurological disorders, autism, behavourial issues and more. Most of these women walk around with a smile on their face ALL of the time. One girl recently admitted to me that a few years ago whe was not coping so well. She was on anti-depressants for a year, and keeps herself so busy. She admits that if she stops, she knows she will be in trouble. She is always smiling. Then there is the one who won't accept that her child has a problem. She bitches about everything. Her personality is such that she is eager to take advantage of everyone she meets/knows. She vies for attention. She is so unhappy, she finds faults with all of her friends. She cannot even identify a helping hand - she bites it.
I know who is better off here. And I try to steer myself in that direction.
So my daughter comes home with tales of inexcusable behaviour by some classmates. Why do they act this way? Well, there I am excusing away their actions. This one's parents are going through a divorce, that one's has older siblings who mistreat her - so she has to pass it on somewhere, and those kids are in therapy.
Do people's problems excuse their behaviour? Absolutely not! But when we know of their problems, we can understand their behaviour.
At the end of the day, understanding is fine, but their behaviour does not change. I can explain to my daughter why her classmate is constantly talking about her parent's upcoming divorce and how she is going to move away from our area soon. But at the end of that day, an eight year old only gets so much.
I will still pass on the message.
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